So, there's this woman...
Of course there is! I'm fat, not dead. There's someone at work, which is really the only time I spend with people.
She's bright, funny, a little quirky. Interesting accent. Challenges me. Has a gentle strength about her, and yet a kind of reticence sometimes, like she's not sure where she fits.
So ask her out, you say. I would love to. Here's the mind of the Very Fat Guy at work:
What on earth would she want with someone like me?
I'm fine talking, but no one could possibly feel good about becoming physically close to me. I have breasts. I have an abdominal pannus [fat that hangs down].
I've spent years alone. I'm awkward and moody.
It will make her feel bad to have to say 'no'. It will invoke pity.
Pity is something that at once entices and terrifies the Very Fat Guy. Sometimes you find yourself playing for the pity vote, and yet all the time you detest it.
There is an often repeated cliche that it's easier for men to be obese than for women. I imagine it may even be true in a few individual cases. For the most part though, it's admiring from afar for me. I watch guys mistreat the women they're with, ignore, insult, attack, belittle and be violent towards them. And I think, being with that woman would be an honour. How can you waste such a precious thing? To be close, to have secrets with, be inspired by your lover. To touch...
I go for years at a time without being touched. Sometimes someone will come up behind me and clap me lightly on the back, and I'll flinch, will feel that hand imprint for hours afterward. It's not a grab for pity (see above), but more to ask the question: who are we that we let this happen to ourselves? And what community to we live in that allows such isolation, that even has an undercurrent which encourages it?
3 comments:
You just broke my heart. I know what it's like to go for so long without physical contact or affection too, and it sucks. Why don't you go out on a limb and ask her out for coffee anyway? You are making a lot of assumptions. The worst she can do is say no. Imagine, though, if she said yes ... :-)
Yeah. Trouble is, it's work... complicated. A 'no' would make things very uncomfortable for both, in an environment that has to be professional.
I'll tell you what I'd like. I'd like to be out with friends in an environment that's not noisy. Ever notice how so many places we go are loud, and get louder as the evening goes on? I find it so difficult getting to know and understand people under those circumstances.
Walking in forests. That's where we should learn about our friends and future partners!
Out of 5 serious dating partners that I've had, 3 of them have been obese. And they don't seem to come to the relationship with half as much emotional baggage as I do.
I have to be assured at the beginning of each relationship that I am beautiful and that they do desire me. I have to be told countless times that they enjoy my company and they think sex with me is amazing. I can never seem to get it through my thick head that I am sexy and lovable and worthy of another person’s touch.
One thing that I've begun to notice is that it's not necessarily how you look, but how you act. I’ve lost weight several times (never getting below 200) and it seems as if my attitude more than makes up for what I look like (sometimes as much as 80%). People want to be around happy, funny people- it’s simply a no-brainer. Those are the qualities I look for first in a potential partner. I am attracted to everyone that I date, but what I’m attracted to isn’t something that can be posted on a billboard or on a magazine cover and sell a billion copies. It’s not a superficial thing. Still, I’m struggling with this as I date someone whom I consider out of my league- at least in physical terms and I find myself playing up his features as one of his best qualities. I do try and make the distinction that I admire him for taking pride in his appearance and loving himself enough to stay in shape and keep his body in shape.
BTW- did you notice when you mentioned this woman, you gave no physical description of her whatsoever? I can picture a great personality but I haven’t a clue what she looks like. Did it occur to you that she (and maybe others) might describe you in the same way? We see what we want to see.
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